life on sim...

Chugging Along

2010-06-23T00:26:00.000-07:00

I have a friend that writes the most beautiful posts on her blog. When I read them, I feel clean and alive. I am inspired to use my senses, to experience everyday beauty, to believe in the best and to trust.

And soon enough I'm torn away. Plugged back in. Again and again, producing to specifications. Reporting my utilization.

I keep waiting for things to change so I may be alive. tomorrow i tell myself..maybe in a month..definitely once I quit this job..perhaps after I've found my calling.

And then I realized..I've started to be believe i am the machine they want me to be.

Its not my circumstances that need to change, just my stances.

Wildflowers

2009-08-19T21:52:00.000-07:00

I am off to find my mountain. A place the only god I know lives in. Praying my resolve and my back stands upto it. I can't wait to see my dear beans reaction to a place thats as beautiful as her dreams. I hope this will be a before and after event for me. An inflection point of life.

sideshow

2009-08-03T21:17:00.000-07:00

some mornings i browse
your lives
on social networking sites
examining photo albums and blogs
of all you wonderful people

and you seem so desirable

in expertly framed pictures
chronicles of a good life
in places designated exotic
mindful arrangements of a hug and smile

in slideshows of self-happy
perfectly constructed euphoria
and careful status messages
to reflect just enough of reality

snapshots- like a veil
that reveal only the necessary
hiding the truth and ugly
sometimes both at once

Watch

2009-07-07T00:38:00.000-07:00

Black light that scorches the soul
and a sunscreen prescription
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sTJ7AzBIJoI

Resolutions

2008-12-31T00:22:00.000-08:00

Heard Somewhere: The years rush by, it's the days that are hard to pass. This new year-looking forward to a life more lived!

Damn these Traffic Diversions!!

2008-03-31T10:29:00.000-07:00

Why are the Chennai City Traffic Planners drawing their inspiration from the Infinite Improbability Drive*? Someone explain to me why driving from Point A to Point B, now requires me to pass through every conceivable point in every conceivable universe along the way?!! Oink!!Oink!

*Douglas Adams on the Infinite Improbability Drive
"The Infinite Improbability Drive is a wonderful new method of crossing interstellar distances in a few seconds; without all that tedious mucking about in hyperspace. As the Improbability Drive reaches infinite improbability, it passes through every conceivable point in every conceivable universe almost simultaneously. In other words, you're never sure where you'll end up or even what species you'll be when you get there."

Hole in my Soul

2008-01-27T02:48:00.000-08:00

Something’s not right with the world. I wake up feeling restless, mind struggling to reclaim a junkyard of experiences, heart gasping for breath like some fish out of water, searching….always searching, for something that’s missing.

For what Godammit? Searching for what? I keep asking myself. Why these long melodramatic dialogues to self? Everyone else seems happy enough going through the motions of life. What’s your problem?

My mom calls it ‘pseudo-intellectualism’! “You think too much. I've always told you to stop studying. You should have become an airhostess ” she advices. I look stunned. “You need a baby- It’s your biological clock acting up” someone adds helpfully. “You need to love God- I can’t believe your parents brought you up without any belief” diagnoses my homeopathic doctor. I go back to my musing.

I wiki ‘Meaning of Life’. The first few lines are reassuring. “For thousands of years, men and women of every age, race, and culture have sought to understand the meaning of life”. I see that everyone from Plato to ‘The Offspring’ have had an opinion on the subject. Mmm.. Wiki even gives space to my own personal view on the subject “Life has no meaning, but as humans we try to associate a meaning or purpose so we can justify our existence”. Wiki is helpful.. to the extent that information overload can possibly be. There are no answers. I feel breathless again.

J krishnamurthy… I suddenly remember that my dad used to sport a book on his teachings at one time. Those were the days I was convinced we had nothing in common except some DNA. I Google J Krishnamurthy. He says, “Man cannot come to [truth] through any organization, through any creed, through any dogma, priest or ritual, not through any philosophic knowledge or psychological technique. He has to find it through the mirror of relationship, through the understanding of the contents of his own mind, through observation and not through intellectual analysis or introspective dissection”. I read the lines again.

“I’m telling you- He is a pseudo-intellectual. He will confuse you even more ” pronounces my mom smugly. “Just like your dad”. Thanks ma.

I wonder if my mom has any answers. She goes for Bhajan once a week, claims she miraculously finds solutions to her problems by opening random pages of religious books and watches Baba Ramdev contort his body parts on Astha channel.

I hear the faint notes of an electric guitar and a muffled voice growling (can’t call it singing) about disfunctionality and despair. It comes from my brother’s room. My mom shakes her head. She looks worried.

I am out of ideas. I am tired. I recall a few lines from an old Aerosmith song. “There's a Hole In My Soul, That's been killing me forever. It's a place where a garden never grows”.

Jhoom Barabar Jhoom

2007-08-24T11:40:00.000-07:00

Being a friday evening and all, I did what I usually do:
(i) zipped home from work with Alanis Morisette blasting loud enough to drown out the curses of people in my way (subsequently behind me and yes, still alive! Why do you ask?)
(ii) stopped by the neighbourhood video store, to take my pick from a wall full of DVDs.

Now, if you've ever shot balloons at Eliot's beach you probably know what I'm talking about. You aim at the blue n yellow specimen at the very center of the board and end up getting the dog sitting 5 feet away. Suffice to say, I had no idea how this movie (JBJ) ended up in my DVD drive. For heavens sake, all I wanted was 'Nuvvostanate Nenodantana' with good English subtitles (See, I don't understand Telugu. Sometimes I don't even understand these English subtitles but thats for another day).

So yeah, real low expectations with this one. Hey, its supposed to be a big flop after all. Truth be told, I've had a thing for Abhishek for a while now (you too? what a surprise!) but ever since he got hooked err hitched I've been avoiding him like a yeast infection. Thankfully, he isn't terribly hot in this movie (please, I'm still recovering) but his act is fantastic and his comic timing, perfection. Camera work, script and direction get an A+. Music is OK. Ricky's ring tone is genius...it goes.."Ei Handsome" :). Unfortunately people have gotten so used to the Govinda/Akshay kumar genre of one dimensional slapstick routines that humour needs to be literally force fed to get a laugh out of the juntas these days.

Anyway, If you like fantasy, you should have no problem with this movie. Its one dream sequence after another and even the bits that are supposedly real leave you confused as to the nature of reality. If JBJ were a perfume, The Matrix would be its top note and David Dhawan its base note. The only discordant note is Preity Zinta whoes dialogue delivery is every bit as botoxed as her wrinkles. Lara Dutta as a french pakistani is incredible and so is Hafee bhai as Ricky Thukral's best bud. Ricky darling as an obnoxious punjabi hip-hopping weirdo is a fabulous character and my ex-love excels at it. There are many many wonderful moments in the movie which will leave you ROTFALMAO.

Quirky, crazy, hysterical, hilarious, ridiculous, spoofy, surreal, weird, hammy and cliched. Over the top and out of the roof!! Loved it :)

10 questions I am currently pondering (in no particular order of importance or for that matter, sense)

2007-08-20T10:18:00.000-07:00

1. Why do great books end just when you've made best friends with their characters?
2. Why must every vehicle on my lane either block the road or attempt to overtake me?
3. Does the Door (RFID) at work record details of my coffee breaks in an excel sheet?
4. Does my Boss ever stop working? (More importantly, does he monitor those excel sheets?)
5. Where have all the Thiruvanmiyur-Beach crabs disappeared to?
6. Will humanity travel to the stars?
7. Doesn't my dad's snoring ever wake him up?
8. Why do I sleep the soundest just before an alarm goes off?
9. What if someone turned off the gravity? (Any chance my Boss would notice and/or take the rest of the afternoon off?)
10. Was I intelligent before education ruined me?

Summer Night

2007-08-09T11:02:00.000-07:00

I laugh with joy
as a sharp wind herds
wisps of dark clouds
across an indigo sky

the moonscape dims
and I suddenly see-
the woods are a'flicker
in floating fireflies.

Evolution

2007-08-05T02:14:00.000-07:00

Ive been thinking about my future for a while now....specifically with respect to imagining what my descendants would look like if sufficient generations ended up in front of computer displays at random IT companies!! Jokes apart, here is my take on evolution...

Early life evolved, adapted and selected itself based on the environment organisms found themselves in. When the primordial atmosphere was reducing, there arose a proliferation of anaerobes, when temperatures were higher than boiling water, there evolved thermophiles that bred in under ocean volcanoes and when continental plates collided to form dry land, fish climbed out of the oceans. Life preyed on life, crawled, soared, mated, adapted and oftentimes perished. This was the beginning.

Subsequently, two factors began to moderate a species' instinctive struggle to pass on genetic material- firstly and as always, a harsh environment waiting to claim the weakest link and increasingly at this point, a competition for scarce resources and healthy mates. So the system continued, churning out species after species, each better than the last, up until the first Homo sapien came along.

And then, a third factor emerged...... Intelligence.

A species that did not clash with the elements anymore but actually bent them to its will. Intelligence that put a man on the moon as easily as a person thousands of feet below the ocean. It tore down mountains and slapped a harness on the rivers. It domesticated the wilderness, employed machines to do its will, invented the Sciences and declared itself master of its environment.

Has man in his infinite intelligence managed to bypass evolution?

How can we talk of survival of the fittest when passing on ones genes is a matter of fusing sperm and ova in a test tube? How can we talk of evolution when Scientists routinely genetically engineer organisms to endow them with the specific traits that they wish for? If natural selection were still at play, would it not have ensured that a man like Stephan Hawking (suffering from a life threatening form of muscular dystrophy) would'nt have survived long enough to even learn of a black hole?

Evolution as we know it, no longer makes any sense.

If you want to know more about self designed evolution, read Prof Stephan Hawking's public lecture on evolution.

"Green Card naa- antha ooru ration card"!

2007-06-25T21:48:00.000-07:00

Watched 'Shivaji' over the weekend. At San Antonio, Texas, of all places :) I can safely say, I've never enjoyed a movie more. Public at San Antonio were clamouring outside the gates of the theatre several hours in advance for a 10 AM Sunday morning show. Suddenly there was an ear splitting whistle, thunderous applause and shouts of thalaivaaaa...and this was just because the gates had finally opened. Kala told me of one chap at the Houston premiere who had appeared in a blond wig causing the devotees to go into paroxysms of ecstasy.
The movie was a whirlwind of rajini style, rehman beats, shreya glamour and vivek one liners. Camera work was superb..it had to be. Making rajini appear 30 years younger, not to mention Caucasian and dancing is no mean feat. He is, after all, not really known for any of the above...but no criticisms please. As Abbas says in Padayappa..."What a man!!!!"
Forget about stopping bullets with a look. ..Rajini has conquered the final frontier in this flick...Death itself!! He exudes charisma with every costume, wig, skin color, facial hair arrangement, designer accessory and most of all, while chomping on a Bajji. For a man who is by no means classically handsome, he puts George Clooney to shame.
And then, when the movie ended, the Tamizhans of San Antonio performed a mini puja in the parking lot of the theatre with flowers, coconut, karpooram and 2% reduced fat milk. I almost had tears in my eyes :)

For people who don't get it- rajini is a 'one and only' type of cultural phenomenon- a Super Being if you will. As he himself puts so eloquently- "Panni thaan koottama varum..Singhaam, Single aa thaan Varum"!!

1st Down

2007-06-18T21:45:00.000-07:00

Goki and I visited Pittsburgh last weekend. Met up with Viks and Aruna.

When I studied at Ohio State, Goks and I would drop in on Viks a few weekends every football season. We used to have ourselves virtual tailgate parties in front of the television, complete with frozen pizza and beer. (Hey, living with guys makes u crazy...there was a time I actually enjoyed watching 300 pound men try to kill each other every monday nite).

No trip to Steeler City was complete till we paid our respects at the Venkateswara temple. Typically, we would bypass 'darshan' and head straight for the kitchen to pick up dozens of boxes of puliyanshadam and curd rice to cart back to Columbus.

This weekend however, things were a lil different, no doubt, due to the addition of a lady to the party. (not me, I promise)

We went hiking at the McConnells Mill state park, visited the Viva Vetro! glass exhibition at the Carnegie museum of art, spent a few hours with 'Pulitzer Prize' winning photographs at the Heinz History center and watched 'Babel' without subtitles. I also managed to read 'The Emerging Mind' in snatches and watch lots of Russell Peters (incredible Indian-Canadian stand up comic) on U Tube.

The highlight of this trip had to be a visit to the Church Brew Works, housed in an old church (how did the conservatives let this happen?!!) converted into a restaurant/microbrewery which goes by the tag line- "On the 8th day, man created BEER". The church is magnificent, with tall ceilings, carved doors, winged angels, stained glass windows, even a pipe organ and an altar. No Jesus though...just stainless steel tanks containing fermented specialty beers. A spiritual experience nevertheless.

Unfortunately, the sample beer selection proved beyond my capabilities but I did meet the dish of my dreams.......a luscious strawberry Crème brulée....heavenly!!!

All in all....amaazzzin weekend. Happy, Happy :)

Strawberry Picking

2007-06-11T14:20:00.000-07:00

The melting rays a'trickle down my hair

a cool wind rushes up my knees

smells of sweet and tart; they infuse the air,

about a berry of wond'rous make

colored by the hues of a warm sunset

flavored by the breath of a frozen lake.

Journeys

2007-05-02T10:56:00.000-07:00

Everything that was once familiar is passing into the distance. I'm rushing towards the future, happy-sad. Soon my road will curve and I will leave the familiar behind.

The tea wallah at college, dosai at Sangeetha, movies with waving mikes, panipoori with friends, drives to nowhere in particular, knowledge so special, the comfort of routine, people brimming with life, the craziness of making things happen, laughter, simplicity, friendships, intrigue, Jagga, hysterics at 2 AM, assignments completed just after the deadline, love and passion, the excitement of eventz, laptops in the gym, veeranam nights, email wars, venky, nagu, admissions, s1, last row at superior, every prof, philosophy night out, lizards at kowsi, fights with watchmen, wigs in the classroom, corners being destroyed, gloscars, salsa, beach, 6 AM classes...

cellphones that rang......

..my memories of a road once travelled.

Selling the Wheel- Cox and Stevens

2007-03-28T11:06:00.000-07:00

A story of Cassius the Closer, Toby the Wizard, Ben the Builder and Caleb the Captain. They follow the Technology Adoption Life Cycle of a Wheel.

Egypt. Long long ago. A man named Max thinks of a circular device that can roll about its axis. Under the desert sun, buried in hot silken sand, appears, THE WHEEL. A concept with no takers. Then Max meets Cassius...

Cassius the Closer doesn't care about much except selling dreams and making his margins. He is a master of human psychology and uses fear and greed to his advantage. He wants fresh challenges periodically and likes to leave as soon as customers shake off the stars from their eyes and confront practical problems. He can sell anything. And he sells- the first Wheel.

Customers realize they want more than dreams..they want solutions. Toby the Wizard is highly educated, smart, credible, efficient, technically oriented and can solve problems with an authoritative wave of her wand. Information and education are her twin credo. She will sell customers the wheel and provide maintenance, training and even upgrades. She delivers end to end solutions.

At this point in the story, everyone knows what the Wheel is and all customers seem to require, are quotes for different colors. Ben is a builder of relationships. He knows everybody in the business and sells them products according to their specification. Ben sells the Wheel with incremental improvements and at marginally lower costs every year.

Alas! As we reach the decline of the Life Cycle, as the wheel slips into a commodity with nothing to differentiate the product but price. Caleb the Captain of sales takes up the challenge with a well trained sales force and bets on large volumes and razor thin margins. His customers only worry about price and convenience. His sales people provide differentiation.

So ends the story with a recommendation to spin off portions of the business that cause Max to lose focus of his core competency. Max appoints Caleb COO of a wholly owned subsidiary and goes off to meet Archimedes about a screw pump.

Question. Has learning this over a period of 6 hours vs reading a summary similar to the one above, caused me to be better off?

I really can't tell :)

N 3230

2007-03-27T01:39:00.000-07:00

I never wanted you in the first place. I was happy as ever, getting by the days with no need for company when Cheenu introduced us. Do you remember? It was my birthday. I didn't really like you that day but my poor brother wanted us to be together and I had not the heart to appear ungrateful. I suppose my feelings for you showed in the way I treated you. You were slow and irritating, heavy and clunky. I admit, I did the minimum I could to to keep this relationship alive. I never once looked at you with affection even when others made eyes at you.
Scratched repeatedly in my purse, left in my overheated car, dropped from the third floor of College, attacked by viruses..you stood by me. You never rang loud enough for a fine even when I forgot to silence you. Your little games always gave me company when I was alone. You saw me through good days and dark times- always blinking a cheerful blue. And today, when you slipped out of my hand for what seemed like the 100th time, I thought to myself..If you decided to let me go.., I would understand.
But you didn't my darling!! You bravely flickered back to life after a few hours, like a warrior, a lover, my best friend.

Later...

2007-03-23T20:47:00.000-07:00

Yes, its the day India found itself booted out of the world cup ignominiously. Dravid says, we don't deserve to progress to the Super 8's plunging a billion+ people into the depths of depression. Thankfully we no longer measure our self worth in terms of how capably we belt a leather ball and the country will get back to life as usual after a few burnt effigies.
It's quite amazing how the overwhelming desire to do something else, ie. care about Team India's performance, consumes me right when I have something way more important to do. Got to study for an Industrial Marketing exam happening in the afternoon and I find myself checking mail, blogging, logging in and out of chat, making tea, planning a bath... Why O Why? Am I a classic Procrastinator?
My watch is set 15 minutes fast and as a result of having brilliantly erased that memory from my consciousness, I reach college on time. Is that the art of living with this disorder?

Mirrors

2007-03-13T06:58:00.000-07:00

What if there was a world with no mirrors? Nothing to tell you what you looked like. No reflection in the pond, or photographs, no video not even paintings.
Here is another question. Can the self understand the self? Can you tell the difference between the perceiver and the perceived when they are both just electrical impulses in your brain?
Is this blog a mirror?
Are mirrors tools that separate the observer from the observed?

Neighbours

2007-03-12T23:09:00.000-07:00

I am my own neighbour! Well actually, we have two apartments opposite each other on the same floor of this building. I've lived here almost all my life. I played cops and robbers, as a kid, on the unfinished stairways, fell into pools of cement water and even thought I saw a UFO up on the roof! Goki and I met on the terrace. We fell in love on the water tank and made plans for the rest of our lives in the lift room. All the people that live here, the sounds of the bay of Bengal, the moonlight on the water, the coconut trees and even the crows feel like my neighbours.
In the US, my neighbours were rowdy college kids who partied incessantly and threw their old sneakers up on electric wires. I had an Indian girl live next door for 2 years but never once visited her apartment.
Neighbours are nice to have. They make me feel like I know when I've reached home.
Lately I've been wondering, if my friend list on Gtalk, contacts on my cell phone and even Lilly, Anna and Arriahna, from the blog 2 pages away qualify as neighbours?

U Curve

2007-03-12T11:43:00.000-07:00

I believe that this is one of the more important concepts I've learnt in Strategy. When you plot RoI Vs Size of all the firms in an industry, they lie along a curve that is 'U' shaped. What this means is that smaller companies with a greater customer focus are as successful as large firms competing on platforms of 'low cost'. It's the guys in middle that find the going tough as they are too big to unlock value from the customer and still too small to achieve economies of scale/learning to unlock value from the product!
If you didn't know, there are only 4 ways businesses make money 1. Premium Pricing 2. Lower Costs 3. Cash to cash efficiency 4. Turnover management.
Sometimes I wonder if I would have the same undertanding of business concepts if I read about it at home. I believe MIT put all of its content online as a show of good faith. It's the environment and the people that a B-School provides that makes all the difference!!

Memories

2007-03-12T10:48:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while, I feel memories come upon me. Normally, I'm in a state where I don't remember anything. I don't carry any baggage, either good or bad. In fact my memory is a source of consternation to my dad who finds it offensive that I can't remember his relatives names, while it's a huge joke to my brother who believes that his goldfish are more capable in that department. My friends, yeah they despair and Gokul... well, he would probably notice if he wasn't WORSE than me!!
I wish I could hold on to all my good memories. The ones that provide comfort during times of crisis, memories I can snuggle upto, memories that hug me back. But I can't. It feels like I lost a best friend.
On the flip side, the bad thoughts get blanked out with the good. They don't make me nighmares or fill me with bitterness..for which I am grateful.
Like Floyd says..Comfortably Numb...thats what I strive to be.

Models

2007-03-11T05:37:00.000-07:00

Not the ramp scorching types of models. Ok the question is, do conceptual models taught in B-Schools just help you arrange information or do they lead to some special insights? Consider Porter's 5 forces, the SWOT, the 7 S model, the PDCA cycle or even the advaitha theory (I learnt it in B-school!). Are these ways of arranging known information in an easily accessible form or do they enable users develop miraculous insights? Putting together information in different forms allows the mind to think in different ways. As far as I can see it, it's your mind that's doing the thinking rather than the magical powers of a model. This is especially true of theories that work with soft data originating from human irrationality. All bets are off with data of that sort and any predictions you make are useless. This would be similar to nominal data in stats.

Now what about semi hard information like the stock markets? Stock movements are caused by a heady mix of rationally along with doses of fear and greed. Do theories like Efficient Market Hypothesis actually treat this kind of data to produce models with predictive powers? I'm not sure of that.

The only theories worth their salt are ones that exclude human behavior. Physics, Chemistry and Mathematics. Human beings somehow screw everything up. Even the weather is easier to predict.

Everone Needs a Diary!

2007-03-11T04:54:00.000-07:00

I had a 'Dear Diary' epiphany a while ago. Postponed it as usual. Everyone needs someone to talk to. Especially someone who will understand everything you say and preferably doesn't talk back. Obviously I'm here to fess upto things that didn't go right or at the very least- vent. I'm even considering recording my random thoughts for posterity. Like when I've forgotten I ever had them. A record of my struggle with the days, proof of my encounter with life's little jokes and a faithful account of whether i laughed it off or spent sleepless nights cursing a lousy sense of humor.